Today I had a SMS chat with a lady friend "G", who's stuck in the ass end of South Carolina right now and wants to come back up to New York where people are civilized (he said ironically). This is a paraphrasing of that conversation (names and personal details have…

Author's note: names and circumstances have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. When I was a kid, my cousin Helen and I were like peas and carrots. She was (I guess "is"? More about that in a second, I promise) about a year older than I was…